Funny Shit That a Nigga Can Say to Another

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[Caine Lawson reflecting after being shot]

Caine: After stomping Ilena's cousin like that, I knew I was gonna have to deal with that fool someday. Damn. I never thought he'd come back like this, blasting. Like I said, it was funny like that in the hood sometimes. I mean, you never knew what was gonna happen, or when. I'd done too much to turn back, and I'd done too much to go on. I guess in the end it all catches up with you. My grandpa asked me one time if I care whether I live or die. Yeah, I do. Now it's too late.

Caine: Now O-Dog was the craziest nigga alive. America's nightmare. Young, black, and didn't give a fuck.

Detective: You know you done fucked up, don't you? You know it, don't you? You know you done fucked up.

[Caine bursts into a car in a fast food drive-through lane]

Caine: I want your motherfuckin' Daytons and your motherfuckin' stereo. And I'll take a double burger with cheese.

Car-jack Victim: What?

Caine: Motherfucker, order my motherfuckin' food!

Voice of fast food employee: Hi, may I take your order, please?

Car-jack Victim: Yeah, uh, let me have a double burger, uh, some fries...

Caine: Motherfucker, I said with cheese, nigga!

Car-jack Victim: Shit! (Speaking into microphone) Yo, uh, make that a double burger with cheese.

Caine: See, y'all would've made me shoot your stupid ass over nothing.

Car-jack Victim: Hey, come on, man, we supposed to be brothers.

Caine: Oh what, you trying to get smart?

Tony: [after Tat Lawson shoots Man #2] The fuck you trippin' off of?

Tat Lawson: Do you owe me some money, motherfucker?

Tony: [Tosses Tat Lawson some cash] Hell no! But here you go!

Mr. Butler: Being a black man in America isn't easy. The hunt is on, and you're the prey. All I'm saying is... All I'm saying is... Survive! All right?

Sharif: What's up, black man?

Caine: Coolin'. Man, why you got that goddamn hood on your head, lookin' like the Grim Reaper?

Sharif: It's cold out here, my brother. You know us black folks not used to this cold air. We a tropical people, you understand? Let them Europeans deal with this madness.

Caine: Then why your tropical ass sittin' on the goddamn cooler?

Sharif: To keep you fools from drinking this poison. That's why.

Caine: Man, you better get your Shelenkem-Shilom ass up off this box and pass me a motherfuckin' brew.

Insurance Man: It's gotta be in excellent working condition, all right? Insurance company won't give you no money for a car that doesn't run. Ca-can you hang with this?

Chauncy: Yeah, I'll hook you up. Be here tomorrow night at about, uh, about ten-thirty.

Insurance Man: I'm-I'm sorry. Did you? Are you sure you mean tomorrow night?

Chauncy: D-d-do I stutter, motherfucker?

Insurance Man: No, no problem. Tomorrow night. That's fine.

Chauncy: Did I stutter, motherfucker?

Insurance Man: No, you're right.

Chauncy: What? You scared to come through this neighborhood at night, motherfucker? Huh?

Insurance Man: [timidly] No problem.

Chauncy: You ain't too scared to have a black man steal for your funky ass, are you?

Insurance Man: You're right.

Chauncy: Man, get the fuck out of here! Don't bring your narrow ass up in here no more! Go on back to Westwood where you belong!

[the Insurance Man runs away]

Chauncy: Hope you find your way down Compton Avenue, motherfucker!

Caine: I seen lotsa people killed before, but I ain't never done it myself. I mean, I never had a reason to. But when they killed my cousin, I knew I was gonna kill them.

Caine: My grandpa asked me one time if I care whether I live or die. Yeah I do. Now it's too late.

Caine: Went into the store just to get a beer. Came out an accessory to murder and armed robbery. It's funny like that in the hood sometimes. You never knew what was gonna happen, or when. After that I knew it was gonna be a long summer.

Caine: I thought killing those fools would make me feel good, but it really didn't make me feel anything. I just knew that I could kill somebody, and if I had to, I could do it again.

Grandpapa: Now what I want to talk to you two about is the trouble that you've been getting into. Boys, the Lord didn't put you here to be shooting and killing each other. It's right there in the Bible, Exodus 20:13: '"Thou shall not kill.'

Caine: Grandpa, I ain't never killed nobody.

Grandpapa: Oh, I doubt that. And Kevin, I've heard stories about you.

O-Dog: Sir, I don't think God really cares too much about us, or he wouldn't have put us here. I mean, look where we stay at. It's all fucked - It's messed up around here.

Grandpapa: You don't have any belief, boy.

Caine: [Narrating over Grandpapa's speech] My grandpops was always coming at us with that religion, and every time it would go in one ear and out the other.

[Cut to outside. Caine and O-Dog exit and Grandpapa follows them]

Grandpapa: Caine, do you care whether you live or die?

Caine: [Unsure] I don't know.

O-Dog: I'll be larger then that nigga Steven Seagal I'll be a big-ass-movie-star, shit.

A-Wax: Yeah that shit was cool, but I would have it done much better - it's all about A-wax.

Caine: My father sold dope and my mother was a heroin addict. Moms and Pops were real popular in the neighborhood. They would always be giving parties for friends of theirs who just got out of jail or was on their way to jail. They only got married 'cause I was born. My pop sometimes worked as an electrician or a cab driver or a plumber, but his main job was selling drugs. Sometimes Mom would use 'em all up before he could even sell 'em. Then he'd have to beat her up. Growing up with parents like that, I heard a lot and I saw a lot. I caught on to the criminal life real quick. Instead of keeping me out of trouble, they turned me on to it.

Caine: For all the bullshit they try to teach you in high school, I graduated with about half of it. But then, I didn't go to school but half the time. The other half, I was out selling dope. Growing up out here, there was shit that couldn't be learned in no classroom.

Pernell: [during a visit to the penitentiary] It's been a long time, Caine. How you doin', man? How come you never come see me?

Caine: [looking down] Man, I don't want to see you all caged up like some animal.

Pernell: Is that what you think? I'm a animal?

Caine: Nah...

[looks up, almost in tears]

Caine: When I was growin' up... you was like my dad, man.

Pernell: [takes the phone away from his ear in disbelief, only to return it] Your letters... in the beginning... it got me through, young bra. Away from my girl, away from my baby, away from you. Go with Ronnie, Caine.

Caine: Man, I ain't... it ain't even ...

Pernell: I know the way she feels about you and that's cool. She's a good girl... you know? And take care of my son. I can't do shit for him in here. You teach him better than I taught you, man. Teach him the way we grew up was bullshit. A'ight?

[puts his knuckles to the glass]

Pernell: Gimmie some.

[Playing cards at a table]

Tat Lawson: Look here, man. Now that you been out the joint two weeks don't you think it's about time you gave me my money?

Man: Told you I ain't got your money yet, man.

Tat Lawson: 'da fuck you mean you ain't got my money yet? motherfuckin' everybody know about that money you hid from that robbery!

Man: mu'phucka I told you I ain't got your money yet, man!

Tat Lawson: [tilts head to the left]

Tat Lawson: 'Da fuck you mean you ain't got my money yet? muthafucka you best be comin' up wit' my cash or else you know what I'm sayin?

Man: Fuck you, Tat! fuck you think you is muthafuckin Ron O'Neill or som'm? talkin' about I better pay or else, I ain't your bitch nigga!

Man: [shrugs] Well... whatcha gon' do?

Tat Lawson: Oh... what I'm gon' do?

[pulls out revolver and points it at the man]

Man: What? I'm supposed to be scared now that you pull out a pistol muthafucka? I just spent five muthafuckin' years in the joint... I told ya I pay yo monkey-ass when I feel like it! better suck my dick!

Tat Lawson: [while he shoots the man 8 times] suck on this muthafucka!

O-Dog: Hey man, I was gonna tell you somethin' 'fore we went up in the house, man.

Caine: What's up?

O-Dog: Oh nigga, guess what? Word got back about them little marks who jacked you and Harold. I know were they be kickin' it at. Down with a 187?

Caine: Let's do this.

Caine: First I get shot, then you're gonna drive me home? Somebody must want me to die.

[Sharif tells Caine to stop vomiting]

Sharif: Come on now, get up from off your knees praying to that porcelain god, that white porcelain god.

Caine: You going to Kansas with this fool?

Sharif: Yeah, Caine. You should come too, man. I mean, you're not doing nothing out here but getting yourself in a lot of trouble. I know your grandmother would be happy.

Caine: Shit, I ain't going no place.

O-Dog: You got some money or not?

Basehead: Come on, man. You know I'm a little short. Hook me up, man.

O-Dog: Nigga, hook you up? Fuck outta here.

Basehead: Man, I got these cheeseburgers. They some double cheeseburgers.

O-Dog: Nigga, I just ate. I just ate. If you ain't got no money, you just assed out.

Basehead: [as O-Dog was leaving] Come on, man. I'll suck your dick, man.

O-Dog: The fuck you just said?

Basehead: I said I'll suck your dick, man. Come on now.

O-Dog: [shoots basehead] Suck on that, you bitch-ass trick.

[to A-Wax]

O-Dog: Anybody want a hamburger?

A-Wax: I don't want no motherfucking hamburger.

O-Dog: I got it from that basehead.

Chauncy: Hey Caine, you and me, baby!

[soto voce]

Chauncy: Cock-blockin' muthafucka.

O-Dog: We're just gonna find these little marks and smoke 'em. Shit ain't that hard.

Caine: As long as there ain't no crowds. Look, I'm mot killing no kids or no old folks alright?

O-Dog: [laughing] Hey man, who the fuck gonna be old out there at twelve o'clock at night, man? Shit, nigga. I'll smoke anybody, nigga. I just don't give a fuck. Shit. Come on hit this shit, nigga.

[passes a joint to A-Wax]

Caine: Look alright. Not me alright? I'm not killin' no kids!

O-Dog: [angry] Hey, you know what nigga? You acting like a little bitch right now. You acting real paranoid and shit. Now, these motherfuckers smoked your goddamn cousin in front of you, nigga! Blew his head off in front of your face and you ain't gonna do shit? You acting like a little bitch right now, nigga! Man, fuck that! I ain't letting that shit ride! We gonna go there and smoke all these motherfuckers. I don't care who the fuck out there! Goddamn it!

[He turns to A-Wax]

O-Dog: Is you down, nigga?

A-Wax: Man, both you all shut the fuck up! Both of you all acting like some motherfucking bitches! Scared to peel these punk-ass niggas cap! Man, gimme my motherfucking joint, nigga!

Caine: Nigga, I know you ain't dumb enough to be showin' niggas the robbery tape, man. What's up with that?

O-Dog: Man, cool out, nigga. We just havin' fun with the motherfuckin' tape. Damn, alright, ain't nobody else gonna see the tape. The shit is funny to me, though.

[A-Wax, Stacy, O-Dog, and Jackee have brought a wounded Caine into the emergency room after he was shot]

A-Wax: Give us a motherfuckin' doctor!

Nurse #1: You'll have to fill out these forms first.

Jackee: Bitch, fuck the forms! We need a doctor! He's bleeding to death over there!

Ronnie: You need to be glad that you graduated from high school, and that you're alive at eighteen, and you need to do something with yourself before you end up like he did.

Ilena: I'm pregnant.

Caine: Well, what the fuck you tellin' me for?

Ilena: What? So you just gonna dog me?

Caine: It ain't mine.

Ilena: Look, you the only one I was with!

Caine: Stop lying, alright? Besides, I had the jimmy on extra tight.

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107554/quotes/qt0179733